Don’t worry, everyone. I’ve sent a strongly-worded hand-written note to Sam Bradford, informing him that he repeatedly put our Rams’ streaming defense in less-than-envious positions in Week 11, as the Jets’ joke of an offense transformed into what appeared to be a real NFL unit.
Sometimes that happens – a bad offense on a bad team commits turnovers and puts your defense of the week in unwinnable situations. Oh, and the Rams had a kickoff return for a touchdown called back on a penalty.
I wept for an hour. I ripped open my shirt in a Biblical fit of agony. A typical Sunday afternoon, in the end.
Thankfully, the Bengals fell out of bed and accidentally dominated the Chiefs, so all was not lost; some of us experienced streaming glory, which, incidentally, is not nearly as dirty as it sounds. Now let’s continue this great tradition of ours and explore the ways in which the Chiefs’ total and complete discombobulation can improve your pretend football prospects, however dim they’ve become.
Denver Broncos at Chiefs – Before you berate me on the Twitter Machine and tell me that THE BRONCOS ARE OWNED IN EVERY LEAGUE YOU BRAINLESS TOAD, consider this: the Denver D/ST is owned in 66 percent of NFL.com leagues and 90 percent of ESPN.com leagues. They’re out there, somewhere, and if they are, I think they could be worthy of your top waiver pickup, unless you desperately need Ronnie Hillman and the eight carries he’ll get this week.
The Broncos have forced five turnovers in the past two weeks. Led by the bespectacled one, Von Miller, they’ve recorded 11 sacks in those games, applying constant pressure to quarterbacks with a mix of rather exotic blitzes and the occasional straight-up bull rush. The Broncos’ defense has scored 51 fantasy points in its past three contests, the Chiefs are giving up an average of almost 14 points per game to opposing defenses, and you’re starting the Broncos as the No. 1 defensive play in Week 12. Brady Quinn, by the way, is expected to start against Denver after the late, great Matt Cassel was benched at halftime of the Bengals’ game.
Let Brian Daboll, as per usual, wash over you.
St. Louis Rams at Cardinals – Here’s the best thing to do once you’ve failed miserably at something, anything: Double down. And oh yes, that’s what we’re doing with the Rams in Week 12.
St. Louis, last time these two teams met – in Week 5 – racked up 15 fantasy points thanks to nine sacks and a fumble recovery. And if you remember that debacle of a Thursday Night Football showdown, you’ll recall Kevin Kolb escaping another three or four sacks. The Rams dominated Arizona’s lackluster offensive line from start to finish.
The Cardinals, if you hadn’t heard, threw for 70 yards last week against Atlanta. Ryan Lindley, the presumed Week 12 starter for Arizona, had 64 of those yards on 9-of-20 passing. He was, in six words, the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
The Cardinals are the league’s fourth most generous team against opposing fantasy defenses, giving up 11.1 points per game, including double digit points six times this year. The Rams’ offense could always put their defense’s backs against the proverbial wall once again this week, but I like any defense against Lindley in his first pro start.
Carolina Panthers at Eagles – This is really just a quick note about Carolina, since I like the Rams and Broncos more this week. This defense is owned in less than 10 percent of leagues across the fantasy spectrum, and anyone playing the dumpster fire that is the Eagles’ offense deserves a good, long look.
The Panthers have forced five turnovers in the past two weeks. The Eagles have turned it over 97 times in that same span. Or something close. It’s a tasty matchup with upside, so if you lose out on the Broncos and Rams, roll with the Panthers. It doesn’t matter who starts under center — that team is a wasteland. Let’s live in that wasteland and warm our hands over the fire burning in Andy Reid’s mustache.
I’ve ranked the Broncos’ defense No. 1 this week, Rams’ defense No. 9, and the Panthers’ defense No. 10. Here are my top-8 defenses for Week 12, in no particular order: Bears, 49ers, Giants, Packers, Steelers, Broncos, Seahawks, and the Patriots.